These Are Things My Mom Says

Mom- “That’s pretty small for a steak.”

Dad- “…That’s a hamburger.”

Referring to Sir Paul McCartney’s impending performance at the Olympics…


Mom- “That guy is so old. He just needs to stop. They need to get someone fresh.”

Mom- “I don’t like Jennifer Aniston, what is her claim to fame anyway?”

Me- “Friends.”

Mom- “Yeah right. When was that, 25 years ago? It’s like, get a freakin life.”

In a discussion about The Dark Knight Rises


Mom- “But Batman is dead.”

Me- “What are you talking about?”

Mom- “The guy who played Batman. He’s dead.”

Me- “What? No he’s not!”

Mom- “Yeah he is. That Australian guy. Who played the Joker.”

Me- “Oh, Heath Ledger…He played the Joker, not Batman.”

Mom- “Oh, I thought he was Batman.”

Me- “But you just said he played the Joker!”

In a discussion about Anderson Cooper coming out…

Mom- “You say¬† the ‘gay community’ like…(sigh). Two-thirds of America is gay.”

Me- “You really think two-thirds of Americans are gay?”

Mom- “Yes. Yes I do.”

A trailer for The Amazing Spider-Man had just played…

Mom- “…And don’t even get me started on that girl who plays his girlfriend!”

Me- “Emma Stone?”

Mom- “That girl is so vapid! I’ve seen her doing interviews for that movie, and she has NOTHING going on in her head. You would need to light a match to clear all the smoke out of her head!”

“Wait…You mean that Macintosh IS Apple?”
“I didn’t know Apple was still in business.”
“It’s a well known fact that at night all the crazy people get crazier. We call them ‘Sun-downers’.”
“I don’t know who ‘Steve The Pirate’ is and I don’t want to know.”